"Stand an' deliver: yer money or yer life. Either way, I get th' goods." A young man jumped in surprise as he felt powerful arms grab him and hold him still, but his struggles ceased as he heard the hiss of metal sliding against metal. He gulped. A dagger pressed itself against his neck. Its touch chilled his skin and sent shivers down his spine and not just from fright.
A cold chuckle sounded from behind him, sending beads of cold sweat down his face. Reality hit him, as piercing as the moonlight on his waylayer's dagger. Its luster was cold, but soft at the same time. A hellish divinity. He shuddered to think that such beauty could kill so easily but he didn't. This was not a situation he wanted to make any sudden moves in.
P-please, sir!" he stammered. "I'll do anything!" He heard no worded response only another cruel laugh from the man behind him. That man laughed. In amusement. It worried him that he dealt with a man who found a game in killing. He worried for his life, now, as much as he worried about his property.
And then the man behind him lowered his head and whispered into his ear, "Good boy. Now jes' be nice an' go over there." His head was turned to a thick tree. "I need some private time with yer wagon." He could imagine that his assailant was smiling.
The man's ragged voice hinted at inhumanity. There was something odd about his voice, about how he enunciated his words. But whatever he was, he wasn't human. After all, how could someone retain humanity when eking out a rugged living like this?
"Move along, already but try to run, an' I get yer money and yer gold."
He obliged, beginning his walk to the tree. Its bark repulsed him. He had better things to do that night than stand, facing a bug-infested tree, while a highwayman robbed him of his possessions. But he did not dare voice his anger. Even after he felt the dagger release his neck he let himself relax for a moment, but felt its pointed tip press against his back. He picked up his pace.
"Now, jes' stay there an' keep yer face to th' tree, an' well get along jes' fine."
He heard footsteps leading away from him and then mumbling as the man rummaged through his belongings. But a second pair of feet approached the first, announcing its presence with confidence. Compared to the gentle padding of the first, the second carried himself with a royal fanfare in his step.
"Rychaeth Leithyr!" the newcomer called out. "It's about time we met." The sound of Rychaeth looking through the wagon ceased. But he wasn't startled. He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement. That man was collected then again, he'd have to be in order to survive as he did.
He heard the swish of fabric as Rychaeth spun around to confront this new arrival. "So?" he responded. "Wassit to ye?"
"My name is Achasund. I come as an ambassador from King Darron Damantium, the Fourth." The traveler stiffened. First a highwayman, then a man sent from the King himself. This night kept getting stranger and stranger...
"Ambassador?" Rychaeth snorted. "So, yer 'ere fer m' head?"
"How could you have guessed?" He could imagine Achasund smiling a cold, businesslike smile. Rychaeth wouldn't be the only one grinning in amusement.
"Stab in th' dark," Rychaeth replied.
"Like how you killed Randall?" Achasund countered. He could hear it: the tension as steeled minds parried mental blows and verbal jabs. A slow creak sounded into the night as Rychaeth leaned back against the wagon, undisturbed.
"Somethin' like that," he replied after some silence. "Th' name's wrong, though."
"Really? Enlighten me."
"Yeah. Th' name of th' dead guy is Achasund."
"Wha"
There was a dull muted thump and a cry of pain. Achasund shouted in surprise, but protests became gurgles as another sword was drawn. There was a swish. A gurgling cough. A gag, a last gasp for life. The thud of a falling body. Then he heard the sound of two blades retreating back into their scabbards. Rychaeth chuckled.
"Give that message to yer king, will ya?"
There was the rustle of moving items. Then footsteps. And then he heard nothing. He remained against the tree for a little while longer, but when it became evident that the man was long gone, he let himself relax. Fearing the worst, he turned around.
There was blood. A dubious but official-looking man, Achasund, lay on the ground, dead. His clouded eyes stared up at the sky, asking the heavens a silent question. Blood poured forth from both a stab wound and a slit throat. Both his and Achasund's belongings were missing.
A full moon gazed down on the carnage in the center of the road.















Comments
First: the flow of the dialogue and action bleed together, almost becoming one moment. Is this an intentional narative device?
Second: Have you give thought to which character's perspective the stroy is narrated, or are you simply using an omniscient, third-person narrator with no regards to individual characters?
Finally: what age do you wish the audience to be in order to understand the story? This is different from what audience you're trying to write for, because you can write for an adult audience but have the story's reading level be much younger.
Once I know the answers to these questions, I can give you a good critique tailored to your story.
--
Sensei: Remember, my pupil, with great power, comes great insanity.
Me: That's interesting, 'cause with me, I didn't get any superpowers until after I went insane.
Sensei: That's because those aren't superpowers; you're just a nutcase.
2. The rest of the story is written in third-person limited. The prologue itself is just general third-person omniscient, though leaning quite a bit towards the nameless traveler.
3. To understand it? I would say around the junior-high level. I'm not really amazing when it comes to vocabulary and more simple diction works for me. The plotline itself is simple enough.
--
One time, at band camp...
Depending on which aspect you wish to focus more heavily on - story or character - you should probably consider having a POV character for each sequence. This is a good way to focus on character. You select one character, probably Rychaeth most of the time, and you tell it more or less from his point of view. That character gets thought-shots and the information you reveal to the audience is more easily controled that way; the audience only knows what the POV character knows and everything is colored by his/her assumptions.
If you want to focus on story instead of character, the POV character shifts within sequences, but you have to work on making sure the transition is smooth, so that the audience doesn't get confused.
I always write character driven stories, so I use option one, denoting a change in POV with a page break, but there's usually only a few specific characters that I give POV to during the whole piece. Take my story "A Deal with the Devil." There are to main POV characters, General Kretesh and Archmage Gandolfo. At first, you get a good sense of General Kretesh and his personality and his ways of thinking and interacting with other characters. Then it switches to the archmage to give you an idea of how the wizards of Vasellio view the whole deal and what kind of person they chose to represent themselves. Then it switches back to General Kretesh to give his reaction and thoughts on the matter and insight into his motives. Although the story itself is limited and not much really happens, you get a really strong sense of the places that each of the main characters come from and what kind of people they are.
All in all, I love your attention to sound. A thief relies on his hearing more than anything, since to turn on the lights gives him away and this really develops that. You should also consider smell, since scent is a primary sense for foxes. Everything has a smell to it and, while most of it gets ignored because its everywhere, sudden changes are quickly notices.
I'll have more to say as I read more.
--
Sensei: Remember, my pupil, with great power, comes great insanity.
Me: That's interesting, 'cause with me, I didn't get any superpowers until after I went insane.
Sensei: That's because those aren't superpowers; you're just a nutcase.
For the purposes of being the prologue of the story, it's written in the point of view of Nameless Disposable Character. The rest of the story is written in both the villain's and Ry's point of view (Or, if you want to put it that way, Ry's and the hero's). I don't think I'll be writing in any other character's POV for the remainder of this web-novella.
--
One time, at band camp...
Of course, that's just a general rule - Robert Jordan's prologues contain a lot of useful information even as they set the stage for the story. A good thing to remember is that as long as you know what you're doing, you can break any rule of good writing.
--
Sensei: Remember, my pupil, with great power, comes great insanity.
Me: That's interesting, 'cause with me, I didn't get any superpowers until after I went insane.
Sensei: That's because those aren't superpowers; you're just a nutcase.
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